This morning I took a shorter walk than I would like. I’d like to have more than 24 hours in a day – to walk more, to work more, to play some. I would like for my wife to be healthy. I would like to be fifty years younger. There is so much I would like.
But this morning I was feeling down.
Time was running short. No one had stepped up to help me with my projects. Lisa couldn’t and wouldn’t know how. One son in his late twenties still lives with us and struggles to pay his bills. I am behind on mine. I was on my own.
I was on my own and I had missed my niece’s son’s/daughter’s funeral. Still in college at William and Mary, he preferring she, “they” had committed suicide. I hear it was because they didn’t feel loved and accepted. I was told they were bullied not just by Christians but by people of every religious and political persuasion, including fellow college students.
Lisa and George Carvin, our youngest son
My extended family gathered together to comfort one another in the loss. Once again, I was missing a family reunion for lack of time and money. My feelings of inadequacy went well beyond having no words of comfort to offer my niece beyond the long hand written letter I managed to send.
I have both family and friends I haven’t seen in decades. I take consolation in the fact that I’ll have plenty of time to catch up on whatever really matters once we’re in heaven. I’m certain none will fault me for sacrificing my time to ministry. Occasionally, I reconnect with an old friend and it’s like no time has passed at all. Just a phone call matters.
But not everyone is that way. Some people need constant attention. I can’t give them what they need. There is so much I can’t do.
One thing getting me down was how poorly the first YouTube Live Streaming Psalm Walk session went. Trying it from my iPad was a mistake. I could see a few chat messages, hearts and likes, but I couldn’t figure out how to interact. As of this post, I still only have 56 subscribers to my channel. I have no formidable email list. I’m not sure how to spark this up.
We’re still on Psalm 3. I played Byron Cage’s “Thou Art A Shield For Me” while the group was gathering. Had it been a physical meetup that would have worked great, but even with me talking over it, YouTube considered it a copyright violation, so I couldn’t save it the video. I couldn’t even see it myself.
I had wanted to make it clear that there are lots of ways to render the Psalms musically. Byron Cage’s version is really worshipful. The whole character of the Psalms changes when you sing alone. Here is me singing not only alone, but tired, disappointed, and a bit downtrodden. Somebody please come and lift up this man’s head!
I suppose I should be happy I don’t have ten thousand of people set against me round about. All I am is a man who would like to leave a legacy for the world in the few years left I have here, but who can’t even say I love you in everyone’s love language or pay his own bills.
Please help me.
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